Saturday, February 05, 2011

Stupid Cupid: A Real He – Man’s Guide To Valentine’s Day Cocktails


CAUTION: All women must stop reading immediately! This blog post is only for us he-men!

OK, everything all clear now?


Let’s huddle-up here, fellas …

The AFC and NFC Championships have been decided. We know who’s gonna be in the Super Bowl this year. And depending upon when you’re reading this, maybe you already know who’s won.

And you know what that means, dontcha?

Yep, that’s right. We gotta deal with VD.

Valentine’s Day, I mean.

If we stick together, we can all get through this, guys. Let’s take a deep breath and begin …

Did you forget the flowers? Did you pick the wrong restaurant? Is the gift you bought her both the wrong size AND color?

Fear not, boys – this blog post will talk about how you can seize a Valentine’s Day victory from the jaws of defeat by mixing the right cocktail just for the two of you. The good news is that none of them are the standard Cosmopolitan (I have great confidence that you can all screw up that one on your own). The bad news, however, is that these cocktails are excruciatingly sweet. There’s a reason for that, of course – because you’re making them for her and not you. That’s why it’s time to bite the bullet, men. You can always have a nice neat dram of Scotch for a nightcap. Or if things really go badly, maybe even snort some Jack Daniels …


First up is something I like to call The Lemon-Drop Flirtini. Please be aware that there are actually two ways to make this cocktail – one for the lady and one for the gent. This is something of an invention of mine, adapted from a recipe I read once elsewhere …

  • 2 oz. vodka
  • 2 oz. Limoncello
  • 1 jar of cherries with the stems (this is important)

Fill a shaker with ice, then add the first two ingredients and shake. Take a cocktail (AKA martini) glass, plop in the cherry with the stem, then drizzle (the important part here is the word DRIZZLE) a bit of the syrup from the jar of cherries into the cocktail glass. Finally, strain the mixture from the shaker into the cocktail glass.

Notice how painfully pink this is? There’s a good reason for that – the fact that you poured in the syrup from the cherry jar first before you strained the cocktail into the glass. This will turn almost any cocktail pink, just in case you need a backup plan. Try it with a Pisco Sour if you don’t believe me.

Feel a little queasy about drinking one of these pink deals, men? No problem. You can join her in drinking the same cocktail, but just change the order of things – instead of drizzling in the syrup from the cherry jar before straining the drink into the cocktail glass, do it after. This will completely change the complexion of the drink – instead of being pink, the syrup will sink to the bottom, providing something of a two-tone effect: pink on the bottom, yellow on top.

So why is it a called a “Flirtini”? Well, partly because of the fact that the term is derived from a cocktail named as such on the old HBO TV show “Sex and the City”. The other reason is because of the fact that you used a cherry with a stem. (Uh, you DID remember to do this, didn’t you?) Here’s the deal: once your lady finishes drinking the cocktail, that leaves the stemmed cherry at the bottom of the glass. She then pours the cherry into her mouth and holds the stem in her teeth offering you her cherry. (Get it now, dimwit?). And THAT’S what officially qualifies this particular cocktail as a “Flirtini”.

Any questions? No? Didn’t think so.

Of course, if this fails (and trust me, it won’t), you could always offer up something like a Chocolate Martini or even a Strawberry Margarita (3 ice cubes, 6 strawberries in a blender with 2 ounces of Patron Silver tequila and an ounce of fresh lime juice – extremely pink, too!).

Painful? Sure. But remember just this one thing, guys: one month later, it’s payback … Steak and A BJ Day!



And what exactly is an old fart like me doing for Valentine’s Day? It’s a little concoction I like to call The AARP Flirtini – you swallow one Viagra pill and wash it down with four ounces of prune juice – after that, you don’t know whether you’re coming or going.

Well, I guess that’s it from me for Valentine’s Day 2011. Have any special Valentine’s Day cocktail you like to make?  Post a comment and share the recipe!  Until next time, please remember the words of that great French philosopher Rene Descartes who said, “I drink, therefore, I am!”.

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